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My Experience with Dating After Divorce

July 11, 2021 by Rachel Barkules

I have been divorced and back on the dating market for 3 years now. All I can say is, so much has changed since the last time I was single back in 2002. Not only has our society changed so much when it comes to dating, I am now dating as a 38 year old divorced mom. It’s a whole new world I have had to learn how to navigate.

Getting back on the dating scene after being married for 15 years has been exciting, fun and scary. I love to have new experiences and adventures and enjoy meeting new people. I also get scared I’m going to meet some creep with bad intentions and end up a skin suit.

I think dating can be fun if you go into it with the right approach. Every date is an opportunity to get to know someone new from a different walk of life. Everyone has a story. I ask questions and hear their story, every man loves to talk about himself ;). My personality is a huge talker, but I do my best to ask questions because I am there to get to know him. Getting to know him is the only way I will know if I want a second date. Even if it doesn’t go any further than a first date, it’s always an opportunity to learn something. Something new he said about life, something new about myself, or learn more about what I want and what I don’t want. Even a bad date is not a waste of time if I can find the lesson to be learned.

Always be safe! I always meet my date at the restaurant. I never let him know where I live until I feel completely comfortable and safe that he has that information. For me, it’s at least several dates before I would let him pick me up and know where I live. Also, to be alone in a car with a man is a vulnerable position. This is another reason why I won’t let him pick me up until I’m comfortable. Before a date I always let at least one person know where I’m going, what time, what I’m doing, etc. And I check in regularly with that person throughout the date to ensure I am safe. Always take the necessary steps to stay safe.

In the past 3 years I have been on many first dates and have had 2 relationships (one short and one long). I have had many experiences; some good, some bad and some in between. I plan to share specific stories of some of my dates in later posts. There are some hysterical stories!

What do I find to be the biggest challenge? Being in my upper 30’s it’s a unique group of men that are single. I have found it’s either men that are divorced- which brings up all of those questions… What happened? Do you have kids, how many, how old? What is the coparenting relationship like? If he talks negative about his ex-wife on the first date, run! Then there are the men that have never been married. Which leads to a different set of questions… Do you have commitment issues? Are you a workaholic? Are you emotionally unavailable or have extreme mental health issues? No one is a clean slate, myself included.

I love the scene in ‘The Other Woman’ when Leslie Mann says: “The last time I was single the dating pool was everyone. Now it’s a shallow puddle of age appropriate men.” LOL!! Then Cameron Diaz goes on to say that it’s even worse than that! This is pretty much how I have felt!

One advantage is most people my age know what they want. They have an established life and aren’t going out on a date to waste time. More often than not, they are up front about their life and what they are looking for. The first date typically feels more like a job interview. You go over all the important things and ask the hard questions. I like this because I can make a logical decision before getting my heart invested. Everyone has deal breakers. You may as well ask right away and don’t waste time.

I have found it difficult to navigate dating while having young children. I am very protective over my children and always want them to feel safe. My kids are with me the majority of the time and I don’t want to get a babysitter so I can go on a date. I will only go on a date on nights they are with their dad. Which doesn’t provide me a lot of free time to date. I also keep my dating life extremely private from my kids. I don’t tell them if I am going on a date. They did know when I was in my longer relationship, only because they kept seeing his name pop up on my phone and they asked me about him. They knew his name and they saw a picture of him and that’s about it.

Still to this day my kids have never met anyone I have dated. I tell my kids “when I meet someone who is special enough that has earned the right to meet you, that’s when you will meet him.” And I take that very seriously. My kids will ask me about dating once in a while. They used to only want it to be just the 3 of us forever. But now they have let me know they want me to meet someone and be in love. I think as time as passed from the divorce and they are growing up, they don’t want me to live life alone. I also think they like the idea of having a male figure in the home, it adds something that I can’t provide. They have put in some special requests…. Caleb told me he wants a brother who is 9 or 10 years old. lol!

I spend almost all of my time with my kids, my family or working. This doesn’t provide me much opportunity to meet someone. This is another area I have found challenging. Where do I meet someone? I have tried dating apps – OMG! I could write a book on my experience on dating apps lol! I go out with my girlfriends for dinner, drinks, music; this seems like it would be a good opportunity to meet someone. But hasn’t ever worked out well for me. Some advice given to me from my brother: if I’m out at a restaurant, bar, wherever and a man approaches me he’s a douche bag. The good quality men don’t approach in this way, they usually just sit with their friends. Which puts the ball in my court to approach him. It’s good advice! But it’s a hard one for me to swallow. I believe in a man making the first move and pursuing the woman. I can be very old fashion when it comes to dating. But I’ve also been told that as a woman all I have to do is smile at a man from across the room that I’m interested in meeting. And if he is interested he will walk over and say hi. Again good advice, but hasn’t worked for me :/

I’m sharing this advice in hopes it will be helpful for someone. If it works for you let me know ;)

I’ve always been a positive person and believe in love. I am a true hopeless romantic. I love romantic movies and the big grand gesture that the man does for the woman he loves. I know it’s a movie, but I do believe that can happen in real life. After a failed marriage and 3 years of dating and I’m currently as single as it gets (literally zero prospects currently!), it would be easy for me to become cynical or bitter. But I refuse! I will always believe in love. I still believe the right man is out there for me somewhere. And we will find each other when the time is right.

OUTFIT DETAILS

Dress: Good American (my most worn dress ever!!) | Necklace: Lana Jewelry, similar under $40

Having an ‘All or Nothing’ Personality: the Pros & the Cons

March 21, 2021 by Rachel Barkules

Having an all or nothing personality, or I like to call it- being passionate, has many strengths and it also has many challenges. I live life to the fullest!! I have always had a ‘go big or go home’ view towards everything in my life. And as one of my closest friends says to me: “I rarely go home” lol :)

The pros: When I set my mind to something there isn’t anything that will stand in my way of accomplishing it. It’s not within me to try half way or give up. I give 110% of myself and my efforts to everything I do. I live life with a lot of passion and I allow that passion to guide me. If I’m not passionate about something, I don’t do it. So when I set my mind on something and pour my heart into it, I will always succeed!

When I commit to something or someone I am committed! Whether it is a friendship, romantic relationship, work, or a goal I set for myself – I stay committed all the way thru. This helps me to never give up on my goals and dreams. This also makes me very loyal to whoever I commit to, it takes a lot for me to end a relationship. I love very hard and with a lot of passion. This deep love and commitment I have makes me very passionate about being a great Mom. I take the responsibility of being a Mother very seriously and put my kids #1.

I feel life to the most. I experience love, laughter, joy in the deepest way possible. I physically feel the emotions so much it consumes my entire being. Which makes life so much fun! I am a forever optimist about life and always see the good in everyone.

The cons: Because I am a passionate person and feel life to the most, I also feel the ‘bad’ emotions to the most as well. When something devastating, traumatic or hurtful happens I go into such a deep place of pain. I feel the hurt so much deeper and worse than most. And it typically takes me longer to move out of that place of pain. I’ve been called a “victim” or “having a pity party”. But it’s the process I need to go thru in order for me to truly work thru these emotions and release them. If I move on before I’m ready with a fake smile these emotions will come back to bite me later. It’s always best to face emotions head on in the moment.

Good habits can take a turn into obsessions, leading to unhealthy behaviors. Let me give an example: Several years ago I wanted to lose about 20 pounds. It started off as working out 2-3 days a week and eating more healthy. Then I got obsessed with the high of the work outs and seeing results. I started working out 6 days a week and some times twice in the same day. I was only eating once a day and it was dry chicken and some veggies. I became obsessed with how skinny I could get. And I got very skinny!! I was so small I was photoshopping my body bigger for my IG pictures. Then I went a step further and went to a doctor to get a consultation for liposuction. He suggested lipo and a tummy tuck, making my waist 7 inches smaller (I was a 26 inch waist at the time). And that’s when I realized I had taken it too far!

Finding Balance: My highs are high and my lows are low. Having balance in my life is something I have always struggled with. I mean, it looks nice when I see others having balance. Just not sure how to accomplish that for myself. It almost feels like I’m not giving my full effort.

In 2020 I began working on finding more balance in my life. I worked on doing activities that use a medium amount of energy. Nothing to over stimulating and nothing to blah. It was my big attempt to find that balance. If I’m being completely honest, I got really bored lol! I was created to live life vibrantly and with a lot of excitement.

Always be unapologetically authentically YOU!

Healthy & Delicious Recipes I’ve Been Loving

February 21, 2021 by Rachel Barkules

At the beginning of the year I decided I wanted to start cooking more. I’ve never really been much of a cook. And when I do cook it’s so basic and boring I don’t enjoy it. In 2020 I got into a bad habit of ordering take-out for dinner almost every night. Although I was ordering “healthy” most nights, how healthy is it really? That’s the question I asked myself when I was killing it in the gym and still couldn’t loose weight.

I wanted to take control over all the food I’m eating, be more healthy and loose weight. In the last year and a half I’ve gained about 25 pounds. I can’t stand gaining weight and looking in the mirror and feeling like my body isn’t mine. I didn’t want to do some crazy crash diet. I want to create a healthy lifestyle that is sustainable.

For the last 7 weeks I have cooked healthy and delicious meals. Dinners that are full of flavor that I enjoy eating and look forward to! With the change in cooking my own healthy meals and working out, I have lost 8 pounds. More important than that, I feel so much healthier and stronger!

I want to share a couple of my favorite recipes that I have made. These are recipes that I have sent to my friends and have made multiple times because they are that good! They have tons of flavor, are not boring, and are great left over the next day. I will also share my tweaks and tips that I find helpful for each recipe. If I can make these meals, you can too!

Roasted Broccoli Quinoa Salad

I got this recipe off Eating Bird Food, you can see the entire recipe here. This recipe was a huge surprise to me how amazing it is! When I read the recipe nothing about it seemed like it was be so delicious. But the flavors are all so incredible I enjoy every bite and want to keep eating.

My changes: I always need a protein with every meal. The first time I made this bowl I added steak. The second time I made it I added chicken. Both are equally as delicious. The rest of the recipe I made as is. This recipe is what got me obsessed with roasting my vegetables, especially kale. I now roast kale almost every day and put it with everything. It’s great in a salad to add a crunch.

Avocado Shrimp Quinoa Bowl

This recipe comes from What’s Gaby Cooking. I have been following her on Instagram for years and have baked many of her yummy desserts and they are always so delicious!! (check out her chocolate chip banana bread and snickerdoodle cookies!) This is the first dinner recipe of hers that I have tried and it did not fail me. You can find the recipe here.

My changes: This is the first time I have made shrimp. All I can say is do not be intimidated. It was so simple! The same as grilling chicken. The recipe calls for 1/2 pound of shrimp. I made a whole pound and I was glad I did. The flavor on the shrimp is delicious, but everyone who ate it (except me) said it was a little too spicy. Unless you like very spicy food, I would cut back on the cayenne and chipotle pepper.

The homemade Pico de Gallo is very delicious, but also time consuming. If you are able to make it the day before or earlier in the day it will save a ton of time when cooking dinner. Or if you don’t want to do all that chopping and dicing you can buy one already made at the grocery store.

This dish is incredible left over. I stored all the ingredients separate from each other to keep them fresh. The bowl tasted the same the next day.

Lemon Herb Salmon

I got this recipe from YouTube channel More Seasoning. You can find the recipe here. He shows 3 different versions of how to make salmon, they all look amazing. I have only made the lemon herb salmon and it is delicious!

My changes: I made the salmon just like the recipe and I would not change anything about it. It was so delicious! I absolutely love the tip on how to wrap up each salmon filet individually in foil. It keeps the salmon so tender and there is no mess to clean up.

I made roasted green beans and kale to go with me. As my friend and I ate the salmon and veggies we couldn’t get over the flavor and how good it is! We kept saying it tastes way too good to be completely healthy. And, I made an extra salmon filet and ate it for lunch the next day. So happy I did!

Extra Cooking Tips that Have Helped Me

Make extra of every dinner. My days are very busy and I never want to spend time making lunch. Having healthy leftovers I can grab quickly keeps me on track to being healthy.

Always have cooked chicken in the fridge. I cook chicken 2-3 times a week for dinner. I lightly season it and cook about a pound extra. I cut it up the extra and keep it in my fridge. Chicken is so diverse, I can throw together a salad, mix it with salsa for tacos, etc.

Get a George Forman grill. I purchased one the beginning of January and I use it almost every night!! I purchased this one. It makes grilling soooo quick and easy! Then the grill plates remove and I put them in my dishwasher. I don’t know how I’ve lived without one.

Try new foods, new recipes, don’t be intimidated and have fun! I have began to enjoy cooking and I now look forward to it! I turn on music or my favorite tv show and zone out. It’s also a great time for my kids to come talk to me about their day. And there is great satisfaction in serving my family eating a delicious meal that I cooked!

Change Your Attitude, Change Your Life

March 6, 2019 by Rachel Barkules

DRESS: English Factory, also available Here (sized up to Medium) | SNEAKERS: Steve Madeden (under $50) | BAG: Celine | NECKLACE: Lana Jewelry, similar under $50 & Chanel | HOOP EARRINGS: Lana Jewelry, similar for $25

I remember when I first found out I was pregnant with Sofia. Everywhere I went all I saw were pregnant women and babies in strollers. I swear, every woman in America was pregnant or had a newborn baby! Then another time, I was thinking of cutting my long hair into a short cute haircut. And again… when I stepped outside my house, turned on my tv or looked at a magazine, every woman had a short cute haircut.

Whatever occupies our thoughts, that’s what we notice all around us. Creating the life you want first starts with what you think about and what your attitude is. Whatever is going on inside your head will turn into action. And those actions will determine your tomorrow. A bad attitude can ruin a moment or a day. But when a bad attitude turns into actions, it can ruin months or years of your life. A positive attitude will constantly see opportunity and the glass half full, creating a beautiful life.

A few months ago I was having a bad attitude and complaining about something going on in my life. It was something that had been happening on and off for months, and each time it happened I got all upset and complained about it. Someone in my life gave me a hard reality check (which I did not like in the moment), this person said: everything going on right now is because of decisions you have made. You choose this, and then choose that. You may not have known it would turn out this way. But your life right now is all from choices you have made.

At first that really pissed me off and I didn’t want to accept it. But then after my stubbornness went away and I let it digest, I realized how true that is and also how powerful that is!

Accepting this means I am the only one responsible for creating my life and I don’t get to blame anyone else for my problems. I will admit, in the moment it does feel good to blame someone else for that shitty thing that is going on. But all you are doing is giving that person the power to determine the direction of your life. By blaming someone else for your problems you are giving them power over you.

Fully grabbing onto this concept has put me back in the drivers seat of my own life. I get to take the wheel and determine what direction I’m going. If I don’t like my current situation, I can’t go back and change today. But with a positive attitude and a clear mind, I can make choices today that will change my tomorrow for the better.

And that’s the really exciting part! Being fully responsible for my life and everything in it, gives me the power to determine where my life is going. And honey, it’s bright future :)

XO, Rachel

How I Juggle Working Full Time & Being a Single Mom

February 27, 2019 by Rachel Barkules

I have a full time job, I’m a full time single Mom and I blog. I try to work out 3 times a week, eat healthy, raise good humans, I’m a perfectionist when it comes to my work, keep my house clean, laundry, kids activities, play dates, homework, time for myself and some fun, etc. I’ve never really stopped to think about how that is a lot to juggle. I mean, it didn’t all happen at once or overnight. I’ve always been a woman that does what needs to get done; as things come at me I figure it out and keep moving forward.

Recently I was asked the question by a friend who babysat for me: “How do I do it all? Without any help?” Then she added in how well mannered, sweet and not spoiled my kids are :) I cried happy tears after she left. Side note, as a Mom I feel like I’m failing all the time. It’s the only thing in life where there isn’t a report or score or any way to know if you are doing it right. There is no rule book, you just go with your gut and pray.

Back on topic, my Mom does help me when she is able to. But I don’t have a nanny or assistant that helps me regularly. I am solely responsible for my job and all things to do with my kids Monday-Friday, and most weekends. I had never really stopped to think about how I do it all until I was asked this question.

It is a massive juggling act! I know there are a lot of working single Mom’s out there doing the same juggling act every single day. I thought about what I do that helps me stay on top of everything and not lose my sanity.

MULTI TASK: I rarely get to do just one task at a time. I am usually doing 3-4 things at once. I work from home, so I will do a load of laundry and the dishes in between emails and conference calls. Or I will answer an email at a red light while driving my kids to school. I can grocery shop or be on the stair master during a conference call. And I have never answered a phone call while on the toilet or in the shower (okay I have!) I have become a master at wearing multiple hats all day long. Funny story about working from home and multitasking: Caleb was home sick with the flu. I was working all day. I had run upstairs to make my bed and put normal clothes on (I was still in my sleep shirt and socks). Caleb comes upstairs a minute later with two fingers covering his mouth. I rush him into the bathroom to the toilet… he doesn’t make it! He throws up all over my bare legs and socks (and of course the floor). Before I have a chance to clean myself up I get a very important phone call I had been waiting for all morning. I answer the call and have a professional conversation for 10 minutes while standing in my bedroom covered in vomit. Not the glamorous moment that goes on Instagram! And yes I immediately showered as soon as I was off the call.
SCHEDULING & TIME MANAGEMENT: This is the #1 thing that makes me able to do what I do!! My kids schedule, my work schedule and my personal scheduled is so precise and works together in a way that my day is able to move smoothly. I put so much thought into all the schedules and how they can work cohesively together. Before committing to anything or scheduling an appointment, I look at the overall schedule and think about how it’s going to flow. Then each day I think about what is on my to do list and how I will get it done. For example: if I know I will be sitting at Caleb’s baseball practice for 90 minutes that evening I will save emails for that time. Or I will do a work project that takes me several hours and make that my at home laundry day.
EVERY MOMENT IS AN OPPORTUNITY TO TEACH MY KIDS SOMETHING: There are things to be learned (and taught) all day long. I am always looking for moments to teach my kids life lessons about kindness, love, forgiveness, friendship, hard work, math, grammar, doing the right thing and being a good person. Rarely is there a big moment like an after school special movie where we all sit down and talk about the lessons of life at the most opportune moment. They usually present themselves in the car on the way to school when I am really tired, when I’m in the shower, trying to work, at bedtime, or having an adult conversation. Never waste these moments! Being a parent is your #1 job!!! Always make the time to teach your kids the right thing and raise great people.
LIST OF GREAT BABYSITTERS: With all of this work and being “on” all the time, I need a night out. I need time to get out and do the things I like to do, not as a Mom or employee; just me! It’s so important to take a mental break from it all and do something you enjoy for yourself. Find babysitters you love and trust, and that your kids love and look forward to seeing. While you are out, knowing that your kids are well taken care of gives you the mental freedom to enjoy yourself. These moments are sooo important! It’s all about balance. When you take care of yourself and do what you like to do, you can return back to work and being a Mom with a more positive attitude.
GO WITH THE FLOW: Shit will hit the fan and things will break bad! Life happens! This is a guarantee, there will be a point where things are not going your way and you will have a bad day! And when you don’t have a partner to lean on, you have to just go with the flow and do what you can. You have to prioritize what’s important and let the small things roll off your back. Because I have so many things on my plate all at one time, I have to decide what I will give my time and attention to. Don’t spend time, energy or loose sleep over something that really isn’t important to your life or your kids lives.
GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK: I am the first one to be very hard on myself. I constantly think I can do better, be more patient, work harder, cook a better dinner (or cook at all and stop ordering uber eats), work out more, wear makeup more often, dress cuter, clean out that closet and the list goes on. But then I stop and think about all the great things I’m doing right. And how I’m only one person and there are only so many hours in the day. I like to believe I’m Superwoman, but I’m actually not… I’m only human. And being human I’m going to have bad days, get overwhelmed, cry in my closet and not always get everything right. The important thing is that I keep trying and never give up! All I have to do is look at my kids faces and those smiles, and I know I am doing something right :)