*I wrote this on September 2, 2023 as a journal entry to myself. I was so proud of the growth I had made in my life and wanted to document exactly how I was feeling in the moment. I’m sharing my thoughts with you today:
I have been single for 6 months now. There is no one I’m dating or hoping to get into a relationship with. And it’s amazing!!!
I love being single so much I don’t have any desire to be in a relationship at all!! I know that’s a really bold statement to make. And I mean it from the depths of my heart. I do not see myself getting into a relationship for a very long time. I’m enjoying being single way to much!
It has taken me a long time and has been a difficult journey to get to this place of happiness with being single.
Until recently, I have always been in relationships, it’s all I have ever known. I got married when I was 20 years old. Then when I got divorced 5 years ago all I wanted was to find my person and get married again. Being in a relationship felt safe, it was comforting. During these 5 years there has always been someone I’m dating or interested in/talking to.
I was afraid to be single. I didn’t want to feel the loneliness of being at home all by myself with no one to share the evening with. I didn’t want to feel the discomfort of showing up to a party or event alone. I didn’t want to have that feeling of having the best, most exciting news- and not having my person to call and share it with.
In March I went thru a break up. It was really difficult. I cried, I was depressed, I was hurting. This is a man I have known for 4 years. We have been friends, we have dated, we have been thru so much life together. But it just wasn’t meant to be. Turning 40 in April made the breakup even harder. My milestone birthday felt like a magnifying glass on the fact that I was single and all alone. No one to share my life with. Then two weeks after my birthday I went to my sisters wedding. Another opportunity for life to scream in my face I’m alone.
As summer approached I started to feel more like myself. The fog of sadness from the break up was starting to lift. I went on a really bad date the end of May, you can read about it here. All that experience said to me is I don’t want to date at all. So I committed to myself to stay single all summer. I wouldn’t even think about men. I would focus on myself, my kids and my career.
In the place of discomfort is where we grow the most. During this time of discomfort I pressed into Jesus and looked at my own heart. Why have I been so afraid of being alone? What have I been seeking from other people?
Fast forward to today… I feel so free and I’m so happy to be single!! I do not feel alone or lonely. I feel strong, independent, confident! I have learned how to love spending time all alone. No one around, no distractions… just me. I have found so much peace and joy in being alone. I have learned how to fully love myself and not need anything or anyone to complete me. The only acceptance I desire is from God and from within myself. There is so much freedom in that!
I am finally enjoying the perks of being single! I get to do whatever I want, whenever I want. If I want to blast music till 2:00am, throw my clothes on the floor, eat in bed and sleep till noon- I can!! If I want to watch trash tv while eating ice cream out of the container- I can! I get to choose what I want for dinner, what I watch on tv without having a conversation with anyone about it. It’s amazing!! I had no idea being single is this freeing!
Obviously this is all within reason of my responsibilities of being a Mom. But you get my point.
I’m starting to wonder if I will ever date again. Part of me thinks it might be nice to share my life with someone. But the bigger part of me is loving this freedom so much, I don’t think I will ever want to give it up.
It’s taken me a long time to get to this place of feeling free & peaceful. I’m loving every moment of it! I am so excited for the journey and where life will take me.
*one month after writing this I met an amazing man. It was completely unexpected!! We have been dating ever since and it keeps getting better and better! It’s so interesting how life works :)