They say our friends see us 20% better than we see ourselves.  For me, I know this is true.  I actually think my friends see me 100% better than I see myself.  When my friends give me a compliment or tell me nice things about myself, I almost feel like they are talking about someone else.  I definitely don’t see myself as great as they see me.  Is this humility?  Or something else?  

I am a person who is very hard on myself.  I expect a lot!  It’s very easy for me to see my flaws and my negatives.  I put a lot of attention on trying to improve my areas of weakness.  Because my viewpoint is constantly looking at myself thru a lens of needing to improve, I have a hard time seeing the good in myself.  If I’m not seeing the good, I decrease my value.  And in turn, I automatically, without even realizing it, lower my standards.

As I was reflecting on this whole concept this week, here is my realization:  I am confident as a mother, as a friend, as a family member, at work, etc.  But I am so insecure when it comes to men and being in a relationship.  I turn into this woman that I don’t even like.  I am constantly bending and compromising.  I rarely stand up for myself and voice an opinion.  This isn’t my personality at all!  I am strong and bold and loud; in every area of my life except men.  So why do I become this meek insecure woman?  Am I afraid of being alone?  Am I afraid no one will love me?  Am I afraid of rejection?

Then it hit me what it is- I don’t think I deserve the best.  I see all my flaws and I know I’m not perfect.  Therefore, I accept flaws in men that I don’t like.

Let that sink in….

Do you decrease your value?  Then lower your standards?

I have spent some time reflecting on myself and thinking about my positives. It’s wild how I can be everyone’s biggest cheerleader.  I am always so positive and encouraging to the people around me.  But when I stopped to think about my positives, it was actually very difficult for me to look at myself that way.  

I forced myself to sit in this place and really think about my positives.  If I were on the outside looking in, what would I say to me?  I am always so encouraging to my friends.  It is time I am a good friend to myself.  I know it may sound kinda weird, but this mindset helps me so much!  If my best friend or my sister was going thru exactly what I am going thru, what would I say to her?  How would I encourage her?  I guarantee I wouldn’t call her lazy or ugly or fat.  I would call out her positives and encourage her.  A loving friend is so powerful.

I made a list of all my positives, what are the good things I have to offer and bring to a relationship.  As I began thinking from a loving friend perspective, I realized I have a lot more positives than I have been giving myself credit for.  I have been selling myself short for so long, but this will no longer continue!  This gave me back my confidence and strength, I feel powerful inside!  I can finally stand tall with my shoulders back, truly knowing who I am!

Now that I truly know my value, it’s time to set my standards.  Here’s the fun part!  I wrote out of list of my must haves in a man/relationship.  I also wrote out of list of my absolute deal breakers. These deal breakers are things that I will not bend or compromise on at all. 

I encourage you to do this.  Search your heart for what you want and what is important to you.  Everyone’s list will be different, because it is unique and custom tailored for you.  EX: If it’s important to you that he brings you flowers every Friday to kick off your weekend, then write it down. No thing is to big or to small.  Paint a picture of the man and relationship you want.

The final step- I know my value and I have written out and set my standards.  Now I have to believe that the man I described, the relationship I want; is out there for me.  And I need to be patient while waiting for it.  When I say patient, I don’t mean sitting at home bored.  I stay very busy doing the things I like to do.  Being patient means not settling for someone who doesn’t meet my standards just because I don’t want to be alone.  I believe with all of my heart the right man is out there for me.  And when the time is right, we will meet.

OUTFIT DETAILS

Jacket: Balmain (several years old), similar Here | Bodysuit: Good American | Denim: Good American | Lip: Jaclyn Cosmetics ‘In Control’

I met Bachelor X at a friends wedding.  It is the most beautiful wedding I have ever been to.  It was a very romantic setting to meet someone.  X was a lot of fun; we talked and laughed and danced.  At the end of the night he asked for my number so he could take me out to dinner the following week.

He had so many interesting stories and things he has done with his life.  He is extremely hyper masculine. He would do things like climb Mt Everest in a ridiculous outfit just for fun.  He would free dive and went spear fishing in his free time.  I can’t think of much more of an over the top manly thing- free dive in the middle of the ocean with only a spear to catch a huge fish.  I was extremely attracted to all of it!

We dated for about 2-3 months.  Everything was going great and I was enjoying him and the relationship very much.  This was the first relationship I had post divorce.  Hindsight there were some red flags up front.  But I didn’t notice them.  I was just so excited to be dating someone new with a whole life of different experiences then what I had.

Then one night, everything came crashing down all in about an hour!

X had gone fishing and caught a big grouper.  He wanted to cook dinner for my family and get to know them more.  He picked me up and we went to my mom and stepdads house.  He cooked dinner in their kitchen.  It started out as such a nice night.  A home cooked meal from the grouper he caught the day before, family being together, good conversation… a great start to a night!

Then we sat down for dinner….

First X started talking about religion and how he thinks Christianity is the most bullshit religion there is on the planet.  This is news to me that he thinks this!  We previously had many discussions about religion and I had been clear on my faith of being a Christian.  He knew my entire family is Christian. But yet he sat there in my parents house insulting all of our faith.

As if that wasn’t disrespectful enough, he then turned to my sister.

For anyone who follows my sister, Jaclyn, you know she has talked openly about struggling with anxiety. X suddenly decided it was his job to “fix” her.  He began to lay into her and tells her to “just get over it!” and that she is “living the American dream and has no reason to have anxiety”.  He was aggressive with his tone and body language.  Plus, I have NEVER heard more foul language in my life!  He used more curse words than actual words as he chewed her out.  I would say 2 curses words for 1 actual word.  I mean, truly a talent! Lol 

Jaclyn did not give a reaction.  When he was done, she said she needed to use the restroom and got up from the table.  I watched her grab her purse and knew she was leaving, not going to the bathroom.  Me and my mom went out the car to apologize to her.  I was mortified that a man I was dating just spoke to my family that way.

When I came back inside and sat down at the table, X turned to me and said “did I do something wrong?”.  Ummmmmmmmm….. you think!!!  Me and my stepdad spoke to him and let him know that what he did was not okay.  He apologized and felt so bad about it, he started throwing back whiskey faster than I have ever seen.

Within 20 minutes he was drunk.  He pulled me off to the side and kept apologizing over and over for his behavior towards my family.  He kept telling me how awful he feels and went on and on about how he’s such a bad guy and doesn’t deserve me.  I told him let’s shelf this conversation for now and move on with the evening. I don’t want to have this kind of conversation at my mom and stepdads house while they are in the next room.  Seriously how awkward!

When he finally decided to rejoin the evening, he immediately passed out drunk on the couch. He obviously couldn’t drive home and he lived about an hour away.  He had picked me up in his truck, I only live 5 minutes away.  So I drove him back to my house in his truck.  I felt the only option was to let him sleep it off and send him home in the morning.

My mom and stepdad helped me put him into the truck.  He was so drunk he could barely walk.  On the short drive home, he was very chatty and even took the opportunity to call me a bitch for how bad of a driver I was.  At this point I was so pissed and was so done!  I never want to see him again!!  I was hoping he would throw up all over the inside of his truck so he would have to deal with that in the morning.  But he didn’t :/

When we got back to my house I was not in the mood to take care of him.  He was complaining about feeling nauseous and wanting to throw up.  I didn’t even care.  I told him I’m going to bed and he can handle his own shit.

As I was in my bathroom brushing my teeth, he walked thru my bathroom butt ass naked.  He went into my closet and laid down on his back with his whole body stretched out.  He began crying and saying that he is a bad guy that screwed up and doesn’t deserve me.  I had zero reaction or response.  I looked over my shoulder out of the corner of my eye to observe what was happening.  There are no words for what I was seeing.

I am so tired and over the night, and now I have a naked man on the floor of my closet crying!  I did not give a F***!  As he was laying there naked crying, I stepped over him to get my pj’s.  I literally tiptoed over him trying not to disturb him or let my presence be known, grabbed my stuff and walked out.  I left him naked crying in my closet and went to bed.

I sent him home in the morning, never saw him again.

OUTFIT DETAILS

Hoodie: BP | Denim: Good American | Sneakers: Karl Lagerfeld | Bag: Givenchy

For a first date, I love meeting someone for just a drink.  I’m not committing to an entire evening, usually just about an hour.  If it goes well it can be extended longer into appetizers, possibly dinner. If it’s going bad, I can leave fairly quickly. The time together can be as short or as long as I want. 

I met Bachelor X for the first time just for a drink. I was enjoying my time, so it turned into dinner.  I had a nice evening with him but didn’t feel a “spark”.  There was nothing wrong, I just didn’t feel it. The entire evening I felt like I was having dinner with my brother.

There is nothing wrong with having a male friend that you enjoy spending time with.  I do believe that men and women can be just friends. I also wondered if maybe I should give him another chance to see if there is something there, or if he will forever be friend zoned.

We went out a second time.  We had dinner then we went to a rooftop bar for a drink.  While we were there my sister text me that she and some friends were out and invited us to come.  Why not?!  He was fun and at this point I had put him forever in the friend zone.  Let’s all go out and have a great time.  

I didn’t realize how much he had been drinking.  That is until I showed up with him and he started acting really odd.  All my friends were questioning me why I was with this guy.  But he had been acting totally normal until we walked in, so I didn’t know what was up?  

He started aimlessly wandering around the place. He was tall and was wearing a white hat so it was easy to spot him.  I remember watching him and seeing his white hat moving all over the place, not a clue what he was doing.  At one point I saw security come up and talk to him.  Not sure about what?

Then he came over and was hanging on me and my sister drunk talking and drooling (yes drooling because he was so out of control!).  He was talking about how much he likes sisters and how happy he is to be there with sisters.  It was disgusting!  He then reaches down and grabbed my sisters ass!!!  Even though he knew she was there with her boyfriend.  I was a bit surprised by his actions, as he had never even made an attempt to touch me.  Not even tried to hold my hand or put his arm around me.

At this point I wanted him gone!  So we asked the security of the place to escort him out.  He left very cordially.  It seemed as though this type of situation has happened to him before and he wanted to leave peacefully.

The most hysterical part of the whole thing is his response the next day.  He text me and was acting totally normal.  When I asked him what happened, why he left and where did he go?  (I wanted to know his perspective on the night before I said anything about what happened.) He only responded with the emoji :/. I don’t think the guy remembered a thing.  I asked him about grabbing my sisters ass, he denied that ever happened. Needless to say, we didn’t stay friends.

OUTFIT DETAILS

Collared Shirt: Abercrombie | Tank: Abercrombie | Jeans: Good American | Shoes: Steve Madden | Bag: Chanel, similar Here | Necklaces: Longer Necklace, Middle Necklace, Shortest Necklace | Hoops: Lana Jewelry, similar Here

Oooooohhhhhh where do I start with this one!  This is hands down my worst first date, but also the most comical.  At this moment in my life I had been divorced for almost a year. I had very little dating experience because I was focused on other things.  I was finally ready to get back out there!  And what better way than to sign up for a dating app.  Pause for a deep breath lol

I met a guy who I started chatting with.  He had a great smile, blue eyes and brown hair.  He had recently moved to the area for his job, he was the VP of marketing.  We text for about 2 weeks before we met for our first date.  Everything about him seemed great and I was excited to meet him.

I walked into the restaurant for our date, he was already at the table.  He stood up to say hello and gave me flowers.  Flowers seems like a nice gesture right?!  I though it was… for about 10 seconds.  Then I realized, what the hell am I supposed to do with these flowers in a crowded restaurant?  There wasn’t room for them on the table.  I tried putting them on the bench next to me, but they were touching the person at the table to the right.  It seems like a nice thing, but no!

Next, he smiled at me and had brown teeth.  That’s when I realized all of his photos are him smiling with his lips closed.  Didn’t think it was something I had to put much thought into, but now I realize… a close lipped smile could mean brown teeth!

I should have left right then, but didn’t want to be rude. 

I began asking about his life, like where he grew up, etc. You know, the typical first date stuff.  I quickly realized that this man has lived a life of many complications and turmoils, non of which any of it was his fault.  He blamed his mom, his dad, his stepmom, his teachers, his ex girlfriend, his ex boss, etc.  He had many wild stories of things that had happened to him.  But where he is today and who he is as a person had nothing to do with any of his decisions.  Interesting!!  Victim mentality much!

I then asked him about his relocation and his job.  Turns out his “VP of marketing” was him working at a small local gym helping them put together flyers and small social events to bring in new customers.  As in: we are serving lemonade, bring in a friend and hopefully they will sign up for a membership. Ground breaking lol!! So to say VP of marketing is a bit of a stretch!

Then I asked him where he lives and does he like the area?  Well…… he had a whole story of how he was living with this girl that was just a friend.  Then one night she tried to sleep with him and he refused so she kicked him out.  (another story where nothing is his fault) Now he is living at the gym.  SO…… HOMELESS!! He literally doesn’t have a home.  He is living at a gym and showering in the locker room!  With no plan on when he will find an actual residence.

At this point of the date I wasn’t even angry about all the mislead information, I was more intrigued about what he might say next. 

As the server took our dinner order, he leaned over to her and whispered his order like a secret. Literally putting his hand up over his mouth so I couldn’t see and whispered it.  Then after she left he turns to me and says he likes more simple food and ordered the cheese quesadilla off the kids menu.  We were at this amazing Mexican restaurant and that is what he ordered. All I could think is, what the actually hell is happening?!?!?!

At this point I was struggling to keep the conversation going.  And that rarely happens, I can make good conversation with a wall!  I just didn’t want to talk to him any more and didn’t care if things got awkwardly quiet.  I mean… how much more awkward can things get.

In the small moment of quiet, he started a conversation about his love for gouda cheese.  It was literally the moment from ‘Forest Gump’ where Bubba is talking about all the ways to cook and eat shrimp ;). He went on and on for at least 10 minutes about gouda cheese…. I like gouda on my hamburgers, gouda in my mash potatoes, slightly melt gouda and drizzle it on my asparagus, gouda and salami with a cracker, gouda in my mac and cheese, gouda on a sandwich, gouda with my eggs, gouda fully melted tasted different than gouda slightly melted…..  I had no idea a person could have such a love for gouda and talk about it for so long.  It was so weird that the tables next to me were giving weird looks.  I gave the look back like – I know!!!

As dinner was ending, he asked me to walk to a bar next door.  He said he wanted to get me drunk so I find him more attractive.  Classy!  I told him I had an early morning meeting and had to go home.  I got into my car and got the hell out of there!!  

That is when I learned to meet for just a drink, not dinner, on a first date.  Always have an escape plan to leave quickly!  You never know when you will find yourself on a date with a homeless man ;)

OUTFIT DETAILS

Joggers: Abercrombie | Bodysuit: Abercrombie | Shoes: Similar Here & Here | Bag: Chanel, Similar Here & Here | Necklaces: Longer Necklace, Middle Necklace, Shortest Necklace | Hoops: Lana Jewelry, similar for $35

These joggers have become an instant favorite! I love looooove joggers! They are a staple in my wardrobe just like jeans. I have already worn these twice in the last week. The other time I dressed them down with this bodysuit and these sneakers. The fabric is amazing! They are comfy enough to wear all day, and also nice enough to be dressed up as well.