Do you ever see your kids from a distance and think to yourself, how did I get here?  are those my kids?  have I lowered my standards of normal that much that I think this is ok?  Eight years ago I would have looked at a woman like me and thought “Lady, control your kids!”  I fear that I have become the woman I once judged.

On Tuesday I threw out my back, sending me into such pain that it left me completely helpless.  I have a curve in my spine, borderline scoliosis, and this happens every couple of years.  It takes about a week of heat, ice, stretching, rest to get back to normal.  Since Tuesday evening I have pretty much been doing the bare minimum around the house and with the kids.  Just to drive or lift my son into his crib is so much pain!  So there has been a lot of tv and ipad going on in my house.  Anything to keep the kids happy so I can nurse my back.

Last night the kids were so restless after dinner I thought it would be a good idea to take a family outing to Target.  We needed to get a couple of things and the kids needed to get out of the house and walk off some energy.  I of course left the house looking like I was run over by a truck.  I haven’t washed my hair since Tuesday and I couldn’t dry it due to the pain in my back.  So it’s a frizz afro with oily roots- great!  I had on baggy sweat pants and sweat shirt, no make-up and ugg boots.  I was a sight for sore eyes!!  But we needed to get out!

The trip started off with visiting the $1 section and picking out a few Hello Kitty stickers and silly putty.  Next is on to look at the toys and think about what Santa might bring us.  Then we need to pick out a snack for school tomorrow.  So far so good!  Everyone is happy and enjoying themselves.

After check out, my husband is pushing the cart and I’m supposed to be walking with the kids towards the door.  But my son Caleb, who is 2, decided to run ahead of me.  He is now dangerously close to the door to the parking lot.  I yell to my daughter Sofia, who is 5, to grab Caleb so he can’t run outside.  I’m trying my hardest to run up to them but every step is so painful.  Sofia runs and football tackles him to the ground.  Caleb lets out this high pitched girls scream that sounds like he is in excruciating pain.  Anyone who has heard this scream can testify, no one can scream as high pitched and ear piercing as Caleb!  They continue to roll around on the ground in front of customer service as Sofia is yelling out “I’m trying to keep you safe” and Caleb is screaming high pitched and so loud the entire time.  This lasted for at least a minute as I am barely moving faster than a normal walk speed.  Everyone around us is looking and judging as I walk up and try to parent these crazy kids.  I tried to think of something clever to say to lighten the mood.  Something like “oh, I’m the nanny and this is my first day :)”  But I knew I looked to frazzled for anyone to believe I was the nanny.  So I just got my kids and kept moving.  I find that when moments like this happen I have to focus on my kids and myself and what I think is right, forget all those faces around me judging.  They don’t know what kind of week I’m having.

This is to all the kids that have hit someone else’s kid at the park.  The kid that took her clothes off and went down the slide at the town picnic!  The kid that dumped their crackers out and stomped on them just to piss you off.  The kids that run and hide from you in a mall.  It’s also to the same kids that give you that extra squeezy hug at night and tell you one more time they love you.  The kids that say you are the best mom ever!  The kids that get you a boo boo when you bang your knee against the table.

These kids are my favorite!  They are all kinds of dramatic, emotions, creativity and think the entire world is their stage.  They love and are naughty to the highest and widest degree.  Here is to the kids that see life in the best way possible!

When I was 5 years old I had big dreams for my life.  I was going to be an astronaut or Queen of my own country.  I remember around 3^rd grade telling someone that I could be President if I wanted to be, but I’m choosing not to be because it doesn’t sound fun.  Then around 15 years old I realized that all I wanted to be in life is a Mother.  I know that is not a popular thing these days, to be “just” a mother.  I never cared about trying to be CEO, VP or owning my own company.  All I wanted was children, a loving home where I raised my children and I tucked them in at night.  I would dream about what that would look like.  Who would I marry?  Where would we live?  How many kids would we have?  Boys or Girls?  Here I am, with a loving husband and 2 beautiful, healthy kids; and for some reason it doesn’t feel like I’m living my dream.

Why is that?  First off, I also had no idea about pregnancy sickness and that it could last 4 months long, or gaining 50 pounds and having cankles!  If I were a celebrity I would have been called Shamu!  Maybe I didn’t dream about waking up at 2am and again at 4:30am with a newborn for almost an entire year. I had no idea that once you had a healthy baby there is still a chance of endless doctor visits and appointments with specialist because your child isn’t developing the same as the average.  I never thought I would slump to the level of wearing my pj’s out of the house, forgetting to brush my teeth (or shower).   I always thought that if I was having a hard day or got sick, that my mom would show up and help, just like she did when I was young.  I always imagined that my family life would look like the end of an episode of ‘Parenthood’.  The family is always together, helping, talking, having fun, everyone shows up for a baseball game of one of the grandkids.  But it seems like it’s always just me, the hubby and kids doing our own thing.  Is this the new kind of family?

It seems like in this day and age of pressure for our kids to perform above average, we need family support more than ever.  In preschool my daughter was tested to make sure she knows the entire alphabet, the sound each letter makes, count to 20, writes her first and last name (with a pencil, not pen), raising her hand and not shouting out, follows directions, socially engaging and playing nice with others, creating works of art during craft time, has an imagination and I can’t remember what else was discussed at the parent teacher conference.  And this is all in the first month of preschool.  I always thought this was what they learned in Kindergarten.  And between all the dance, soccer, swim, gymnastics, drama class, extra curriculum building class, speech therapy, who has the time or energy to spend quality time together?  Instead of living this fairy tale dream I had of what being a mom is supposed to look like, I find that I am always rushed, always late, always hungry, never showered, house is always messy, always stressed and worried about my kids and always tired!

So I had an epiphany the other day.  Why don’t we take a lesson from our children?  The other day I asked my 5 year old daughter to pick up her room.  She answered in a polite voice saying, “I really don’t want to do that Mommy.  It’s kinda boring.”.  I couldn’t agree more!  It is very boring to pick up and clean!  It’s very boring to do the laundry!  Of course I can’t blow off my responsibilities, I am an adult after all.  But I can take a day off.  I mean, an entire day off!  I can forget I have laundry to do, forget about all the cleaning and dishes.  And forget about what society thinks about me!!!  I can turn my phone off and run around and have fun with my kids!  After all, didn’t I want kids because I thought it would be fun?

I always thought that being an adult would be more fun than being a kid.  I’m old enough to do whatever I want.  I don’t have a mom or dad telling me what to do any more.  I don’t have a list of chores or a report card.  But here is the truth about being an adult.  I can’t control what others do around me, so friends and family will let me down.  I will have big disappointments in life.  I will have heartache and cry.  I will have expenses come up that I don’t have enough money to pay for.  I will gain weight and my jeans won’t fit any more.  But the biggest thing I want to teach my children is how to have fun!  Enjoy the moment!  Don’t put so much pressure on yourself to do it perfect and just let go and laugh!  Really laugh, like when you were a kid!  Bend and break the rules!  They are probably rules that YOU made anyway.  Let’s enjoy life!